Tag: Mom Encouragers

The Case of Missing Identity

 

So who has lost their identity? Could it be you?

Identity – it’s a hot topic these days. Stolen identity.

Fake identity. Missing identity. Or is it just over-the-top busyness?

In this space, we are all about parents, single moms, grandparents and others wrapped up in raising and guiding children.  It isn’t that we don’t love our roles in our families. It is just that while getting involved as life swirls around us, we may have forgotten how to nurture ourselves. So here is a post for all you awesome kid-carers.

Just to set the scene, my daughter’s name is not Lily, but changing names to protect the innocent seems like a good idea…

Lily: Mom? Someone called you Carrie the other day. Don’t they know your name?

Me: I don’t know. I think people know my name. Are you sure they didn’t say Claudia?

Lily: I guess. Carrie. Claudia. That’s not your name anyway.

Me: What do you mean?

Lily: Your name is Mom.

Okay, I am mom. Was honey to my husband. Sister to my siblings. Lily’s mom to the folks at school. Ron’s wife to the people at church. Bev’s daughter to her friends. I love all those roles. But something felt off. No one was sure about my name.

Consequently, I realized people only identified me by who they saw walking beside me.

What’s with that? Can’t anyone remember my name? Is it even important for people to know my name? I thought that for true connections, where we touch each other on those deep levels, it is important to know each other’s first names given them at birth. Maybe it’s just me, but it seemed important.

However, to be honest, I was contributing to the loss of my own identity. “Hi, I’m Lily’s mom .” “Yes, I am Bev’s daughter.” “Yep, Ron and I were married 25 years.” So to fix that, I decided to use my name (which admittedly is difficult to remember) every chance I got, not as a prideful thing, but to share my true identity with people on that deeper level.

I also used the name of every mom who crossed my path to acknowledge them and also because I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one experiencing disappearing identity.

Something else was wrong, and it came to me in an aha moment.

About that time, it also dawned on me that I had ceased doing stuff I loved, amounting to more loss of personal identity. I decided to try to clarify my identity for myself and for people if they cared to know me. So, with my newfound boldness, I was determined to resurrect some fun activities as a reward for being that stellar mom, wife, daughter, sister, grammy, etc.

So, what did I love to do? Could I even remember? Who are you and what do you love to do? Seriously, give that some thought.

I’ll be transparent with you. This person called “me” likes to sip tea in the morning sun on the back patio. She loves things that sparkle. And loves to dance when no one is watching. She likes day trips in the car with the group Casting Crowns on the radio. She loves to eat jelly beans, lots of jelly beans. And buy shoes. Take bubble baths. Naps.

Wow! I was remembering what it was that used to bring me joy before my full life with my family became my super important, but only, source of joy. So, it was time to make some modifications without shortchanging my family.

Time to implement “the identity fix.”

It seemed logical to start a day with devotions and tea on the patio while the sun warmed my bare feet. Then I got a shirt with sparkles to scratch the itch for glitter. I managed a rare day trip to one of the 7+ Wonders of the World, a mere four hours from my home and took Casting Crowns with me to sing through the open sun roof. And I brought along sugar free jelly beans. Lots of them. (Really, that wasn’t a very good idea on a road trip. They taste good, but sugar free candies are not so nice as they digest. If you have ever done that, you are painfully familiar with what I mean.)

I purchased a pair of shoes to replace the tennis shoes that might have been as old as my firstborn. I made use of the garden tub in the master bath and have been known to stop for a nap on days I am not at the office and others are occupied.

Even though it was almost an insurmountable effort very week I worked out the details to fit in something I love to do. Does it detract from my family? No, it enhances all the other roles I have since I also have a role for me.

It’s Your Turn Mama

What do you love to do? The secret for you, mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, grandmother is to try to remember and recreate some of those moments for yourself. Nurturing yourself. Recovering your identity by treating yourself now and then. And for a few moments, allowing yourself to revel in the simple joy of rediscovering you.

P.S. Look no further than our Accessories product portal for all natural candles to set around your tub for that long bubble bath.

 

 

Index of blogs:

What’s a Great Parent?

Case of the Missing Identity

Are You as Strong Willed as Your Strong-Willed Child?

Including Your Children in Your Activities – Part 1

Including Your Children in Your Activities – Part 2

Including Your Children in Your Activities – Part 3

 

What’s a great parent? I can tell you what it isn’t. It isn’t me.

 

I was convinced it wasn’t me coming even close to being a great parent. Have you been there too? Please tell me I’m not the only one who felt that way.

My children and I got into the van late. Once again, we raced out of the driveway, headed to town, 16 miles away for a doctor’s appointment. I glanced in the rear-view mirror to confirm that everyone had seat belts on. However, locking eyes with the youngest child in the back seat, I heard:

Child:   Oooohhh.  Eye shadow.

Me:  Yes. I put on eye shadow.

Child:  Cool!

Me:  What?  Cool?  Why is that cool?

Child:   Enthusiastically strumming an air guitar.  Well…you look like a rock star! A cool rocker!

Ugh!  It was going to be THAT kind of day I guess. On my way to several professional appointments looking like a scary Pink, I was not the polished great parent I hoped to be. I guess I was a bit heavy handed with the “stays-on-until-you-wash-it-off” eye shadow in my rush to get out the door. Searching frantically, I didn’t even find anything to tone it down in my Momnesia tote.

What would it take to convince you that you are a great parent or even a STAR?

I couldn’t possibly believe I was.

For example, one morning before school my daughter said she felt sorry for me.   Smiling at her, I was moved by how sensitive she had become at her young age of seven.  I asked her why she felt sorry for me that early in the morning…when I hadn’t made any mistakes yet.

Then in her sweet little voice, she said that she was sorry because TV moms got to cook good breakfasts for their children every day before school, “and you don’t.”

Her words cut like a knife until I thought about it a minute.  Then I realized she didn’t know me very well if she thought I wanted to cook a big meal of any kind.

Known as a marginal cook during the years I worked outside the home, the only outstanding meals I cooked were holiday meals. Thanks to turkey cooking bags, microwave potatoes, crock pot liners, salad in a bag, boxed dressing and other time saving devices, I did rock at holiday meals.

Every other day, however, I praised the advent of cereal in those small wax-lined boxes and toaster anything—pancakes, waffles—whatever. Bring them on! (In my defense, once I began to learn about all the preservatives and pesticides in prepackaged food, I changed the way I fed my kids.)

Wow! Was I failing as a parent in my children’s eyes?

Did they think I was failing because the ideal mom on TV didn’t exist in my home? And their favorite Aunt Cathy, the gourmet cook, didn’t serve them breakfasts?

The breakfast ad men were selling sizzling hot bacon and fluffy eggs with freshly-squeezed juice. They weren’t selling sloppy jelly sandwiches or a mess on the table when a child practiced pouring their own milk.

Also, they weren’t selling moms running out the door, trying to make a single-parent or two-working-parent household run well. They wanted us to envy that smiling parent pouring syrup on well-formed pancakes shaped like cute animals.

And I did!

I knew moms everywhere did that. However, at that time of my life, I simply couldn’t.

I had to acknowledge that I could be a great mom without serving pancakes shaped like the south end of a bunny going north.

• _{So my waffles came out of the toaster.}

• _{My juice came out of a plastic bottle with a label threatening it was poised to spoil before I got home from work that day.}

• _{And we put peanut butter on everything just to get the protein.}

• _{I was doing my best with what I had going on at that time in my life.}

Where are you in life? Busy mom and dad running to stressful jobs? Single mom trying to hold it together as you do your best? Over-scheduled stay at home mom? Maybe an entrepreneur with more tasks than time?

Do Yourself A Favor And Believe In You

One day I had to decide I was doing a great job. My children were loved, clean and almost always healthy. They got adequate sleep most of the time. They ate regularly and occasionally from the basic food groups.  Because no parent is perfect, I had to decide I was probably a great parent.

“I am a great parent for where we are in life.” That became my mantra as my kids grew into teens.

Then the mantra changed to “I don’t care whose mother said they could do that. You aren’t doing it.”

Even great parents have to change gears as their kids grow. Now my mantra is, “My kids are great parents for where they are in life.” (And they are!)

I have become the encourager I needed when my little kids ate from wax-lined cereal boxes and felt sorry for me at breakfast time.

It’s the circle of life.

Want to snuggle into a warm hoodie that declares your faith or announces a new baby or declares your love for all things pumpkin spice? Look no further than the Clothing product portal.

 

Index of blogs:

What’s a Great Parent?

Case of the Missing Identity

Are You as Strong Willed as Your Strong-Willed Child?

Including Your Children in Your Activities – Part 1

Including Your Children in Your Activities – Part 2

Including Your Children in Your Activities – Part 3